This is page 2 of Lawyer Jokes. Click here to go to page 1. Or, if you are a predatory psychopath, see Lawyer Jokes III - The Professional Edition.

Here we go again! Will it ever stop?

Stop!!!!

More of the funniest lawyer jokes in the WDWWTM ("Whole Darn Wide World"). Since this is Page 2, we may abstain from any further introductory note.

Saving Time

Punch Magazine, that irreverent British publication, once defamed wills and estate lawyers everywhere by quipping (assuming it was an attempt at humour or humor):

"A man left the bulk of his fortune to his lawyers. If everybody did this, a lot of time would be saved."

All For Acquittal

According to the Central Law Journal, circa 1889, a local German and an Irishman had a well-known feud. One day, the Irishman was found dead. A rookie lawyer undertook the defense of the German who was accused of murder. He was aghast at the jury as it was comprised of 11 Irishman and one German.

In cahoots with the local Germans, they approach the German juror secretly and offered him $1,000 if he could manipulate the verdict to manslaughter.

And that is exactly what happened. Later, when the lawyer handed the German juror his thousand dollars, he said:

"You did nobly. You must have had an awful time making those Irishmen agree to simple manslaughter."

To which the German replied;

"Vell, I should say so. Dey was all for acquittal."

Oops!

A doctor and a lawyer in seperate cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

Me?

lawyer drawingAt the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case!?" the lawyer repeated.

Still, the witness did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Partnership Love

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."

His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

Testimony

An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse was struck by a car at an intersection.

Smith sued the driver.

In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:

Lawyer: "Mr. Smith, you've told us all about your injuries. But according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you were not injured at all?"

Smith: Well, let me explain. When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked at my horse. He said 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his gun and shot the horse. He then came up to me and asked me how I was doing. I of course immediately said "I'm fine!"

The Tick

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

A tick falls off of you when you die.

Ambulance Chaser

What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?

Retired.

Light Bulb I

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement.

Light Bulb II

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

1: How many can you afford?

2: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.

Bar Association Conference

What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.

Nuclear Weapons

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

  • If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
  • Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
  • When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Justice

Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery.

After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed".

The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately".

This is page 2 of Lawyer Jokes. Click here to go to page 1 or, if you are sitting down, Lawyer Jokes III - The Professional Edition.