Yes,we know. Everyone likes to poke fun at lawyers.

It's jealousy of course but still, much of it is quite funny - see the evidence at:

We have the trash we hear in old farts sports locker rooms and we have the annoying brother-in-law who always has something new to share. But what do the pros have to say on all of this, the Milton Berle, the Jay Leno's….

Well, the fact is that many of their jokes are just as brutal as the general public:

  • I busted a mirror and got sevent years bad luck but my lawyer tyhingks he can get me five (Steven Wright, American comedian).
  • Two very rich people got divorced and their lawyers lives happily ever after.
  • Riddle: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they all spot a $100 bill. Who gets it? The drunk because the other three are mythological creature.

And the meanest comedian lawyer joke of all time:

A rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer driving together in a car deep in the country when their car broke down. They set out together to find help and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked on the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds and that one of the three would have to sleep in the barn with the animals. The rabbi offered to sleep in the barn but after 10 minutes, he returned to the farmhouse exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn. There's a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep with a pig."

So the Hindu offered to sleep in the barn since he had no religious problem with pigs. But again, five minutes later, the Hindu returned and explained: "There's a cow in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow; it's against my religion."

The lawyer, a little testily since he had been wakened up twice, left out of bed and announced that he would go sleep in the barn.

Two minutes later, the farmhouse door burst open and the pig and the cow entered….

Ha-ha. Very funny. I can tell you that this stuff hurts the feelings of the many honest lawyers in the rank and file of our honorable profession.

But if policemen must endure the donut shop jokes, and doctors the breast enhancement barbs, we need to be one with these "jokes".

Lawyers can be mean and intimidating and practically invite jokes (see The Mass Murder and Lawyer Jokes). California Lawyer magazine  (August 1993) reported this exchange overheard in the United States Courthouse in Los Angeles:

"I was offered a case against you,'' said one litigator to another, "... by a guy whose lawyer was ordered off the case by a cardiologist. He was so stressed out by the way you practice law that his doctor said he'd have a heart attack if he stayed in the case.''

"Oh yeah? What's his name?'' said the other lawyer. "I'll put it in the firm brochure.''

But we're not here to pontificate.

With the sign of the cross and a quick glance to the Heavens and another over our shoulder lest the law society be listening…. here are lawyer jokes preferred by professional comedians.

Just as a trial was called by the court clerk, the lawyers leaned into one another, one saying to the other, "You are a complete and total fraud!"

The other lawyer replied instantly: "You're a penny stealing ambulance-chaser!"

The judge removed his glasses look at the two lawyers and said: "Now that counsel have been identified for the record, shall we go on with the case?"

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer explained: "I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed. The insurance company pay for everything."

"You don't say?", replied the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything!"

The lawyer looked perplexed, thought about it for moment and then asked: "How do you start a flood?"

A lawyer dies and shows up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. St. Peter looks at her and says: "Normally, we don't let you people in here that you're in luck. We have a special deal this week for lawyers. You go to Hell for the length of time you were alive then you can come back to Heaven for eternity."

The lawyer hesitates and then blurts out: "I'll take it!"

"Good," replies St. Peter. "I'll put you down for 212 years in Hell."

"What are you talking about?!", angrily replied the lawyer. "I'm 65 years old!"

"Sorry," replied St. Peter. "Up here, we go by hours billed."

The was a terrible accident at a building site and a construction worker rushed over to where a well-dressed woman was pinned beneath an iron girder.

"Hang in there lady," he said as he consoled the woman. "The ambulance will be here soon. Are you badly hurt?"

How should I know?", she snapped. "I'm a doctor, not a lawyer."

How do you save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.1

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.1

A tax lawyer is someone who's good with numbers but doesn't have enough personality to be an accountant.1

When attorney Joseph Strange died, his executor discovered in his will and demand that his name not appear on his tombstone.  all that was to be written was: "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man." But his  ultimate attempt at anonymity failed miserably because everybody who saw the tombstone remarked: " Isn't that Strange!"1

An attorney died and found himself in heaven but was not happy with his accommodations.  He complained to St. Peter who  said he could appeal his assignment but there was a three-year waiting period for appeals. The attorney  protested but to no avail. Later, the attorney  was secretly approached by the Devil who offered to have an appeal heard in a few days if the attorney was willing to change the venue to Hell. when the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in hell, the Devil replied: "We have all the judges!"1

REFERENCES:

  • Berle, Milton, Milton Berle's Private Joke File (New York: Crown Publishers Inc., 1989), pages 384-385
  • Cohl, H. A., The Friar's Club Encyclopedia of Jokes (New York: Black Dog & Loventhal Publishers, 1977), pages 276-285
  • Overton, Thomas,Lawyers, Light Bulbs, and Dead Snakes: The Lawyer Joke as Societal Text, 42 UCLA L. Rev. 1069 (1994-1995 - NOTE 1)
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