In Lawyer Jokes - The Abuse Must End, we wrote about the extremes to which lawyer jokes have gone in some jurisdictions.

Well, okay, not just any jurisdiction ... mostly the USA.

In response to an almost unbelievable, far over the top really bad attempt at a lawyer joke, if that's what it was intended to be, published by the legislature of the state of New Mexico, New Mexico bankruptcy court clerk John Greacen responded in an article he published in the Judge's Journal 1994, that lawyer jokes create "distrust and disrespect for the legal system".

That is simply one point of view and most certainly spurred on by the grossly inappropriate actions of the legislature of New Mexico as expounded upon in Lawyer Jokes - The Abuse Must End.

early Punch cartoonUrban legend has it that lawyer jokes are mostly prevalent in the United States of America and mostly aimed at personal injury lawyers. But lawyer jokes have been around for well over a hundred of years. In England, a publication Punch used to lampoon lawyers and judges (see images with this article). In fact, to newly appointed judges it was a point of honor to be the subject of a Punch Magazine cartoon.

While there may be profound yet subtle Freudian-like, emotional or telepathic consequences to the occasional well-intentioned joke at an individual's profession, we beg to differ. In any event, at $500 an hour, we ought to have thicker skins.

There is hardly a group in the world that is not subjected to jokes and for that matter, many cultural groups as well have to put up with disparaging jokes. Other common targets are drunk people, people from Alaska, blondes, people from Newfoundland, fairy tales, police officers, teachers, medical doctors, architects and even engineers. There is even a set of jokes reserved for women with a specific hair-color.

Here, at, we are known around the world for taking objection every chance we can at the conception and propagation of lawyer jokes and what follows here, as has been the case in the previous three editions of Lawyer Jokes, is merely an archival record so that better-educated people in the future can see for themselves the kind of nonsense and abuse this fine profession was once subjected to by lesser mortals.

Therefore, under protest and without prejudice, the following is tendered into the historical record for posterity, the following evidence of lawyer jokes and even a few jokes about judges.

• A judge walked into a courtroom one day and announced, "Order in court!" At that, a single voice piped up from the public gallery, "Thank you your Honor. I'll have a salad and a bowl of soup."

• The lawyer's creed is that a client is innocent until proven broke.

• One day in court, the judge announced to the defendant, "You have been found guilty of bigamy. You may go home." At that, the defendant answered, "Thank you your Honor, but which one?"

baby in Court• How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.

• In court one day, worried about the defendant's relaxed attitude, the judge said to him, "Do you realize you are facing the electric chair?" The defendant answered, "My Lord, I don't mind facing it. It's sitting down in it that worries me."

• One lawyer had to debrief his client after conviction and sentencing and announced: "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is you got the electric chair. The good news is I managed to get the voltage reduced."

• An old farmer once saw a well-dressed city slicker drinking water from a local stream and shouted: "Hey, you! I wouldn't be drinking that thar water! She's full of cow shit and horse piss!" The man drinking from the stream looked up at the farmer, wiped his bottom lip  and said, "I am sorry sir. I am an educated man. In fact, a lawyer in the city. Still, I confess I can't understand a word of what you just said. Could you repeat what you were trying to say in plain English?" The farmer smiled to himself and answered, "Shoa! I was just mentionin' that if yer use two hands, yer can drink faster!"

• A judge was worried about a litigant's behavior in court and asked her, "Are you showing contempt for this court?" After a short hesitation, the litigant answered, "No your Honor. I'm doing my best to hide it."

• One judge admonished a frequent-flyer prisoner appearing before him, reminding the prisoner that, "I told you I never want to see you here again." The prisoner thought for a moment and then answered: "I know, your Honor. That's what I told the police but they wouldn't listen."

• In another case, the judge wasn't sure if he recognized the defendant and asked her: "Is this is the first time that you have been up before me?" The defendant paused and then answered: "I'm sorry your honor but I don't know. What time do you get up at?"

• Funny things often happen when a person involved in a court case is not represented by a lawyer. In one case, a self-represented party was facing a trial by jury and the panel of prospective jurors. He was asked by the judge if he wanted to "challenge any of the jurors?" Looking up and down the row of prospective jurors, the defendant pointed to one end of the line and said, "Actually, yeah. I think I can take the little guy at the end."

• It had been a hard case for the judge because the accused was 80 years old and was to be sentenced to 15 years in prison. When told of this at sentencing, the elderly prisoner remarked, "I'll never live that long." "Oh well," replied the judge, "Do the best you can."

• In one little-known episode of airplane hijacking, a group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of attorneys on their way to a personal injury conference. When contacted by hostage negotiators, the terrorists threatened to release "one personal injury attorney every hour unless our demands are met."

The perpetrators, originators or authors of the above vile communications on the topic of officers of courts of law are sought for the purposes of not only investigation but potential prosecution in the unlikely but prospective event of anti-lawyer joke legislation.

Again, and in closing, disassociates itself entirely from any positive or humorous response engendered by the above noted lawyer and judge insults.

Please govern yourself accordingly.

References and other Sources of Archival Interest: