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SOMEONE HAD TO DO IT
All lawyers have some claim to courage.
Some have climbed Mount Everest. Others risk their lives to get on a TV show.
But real courage is boldly stepping up to the counter at PharmaSave and peeling the August 23, 2010 issue of the Globe from the rack, paying for it with a straight face and then walking out of the store – all in full public view.
This we did for you, dear readers.
This takes courage.
But what lawyer could look away from the headlines of this edition of the Globe? The most powerful lawyer in the world – the entire planet and (until alien life other than Jerry Springer files an appearance), the known universe – is exposed!
Unnamed sources told an unnamed author of the cover story re Obama that:
"President Barack Obama's deepest secret (is) … that he uses a phony social security number (and) his days in the Oval Office are numbered".
Where is Mr. or Ms Source when I need a shocker to bail my case during trial. Why can't she or he just walk into the Courtroom looking like Men in Black, and announce to the Court: "Good morning, your honor. I'm the Source and I'd like to speak to the Court."
But in all fairness, the Globe does give geographic information for one of its interviewees: a "Washington, D.C. insider". Could it be the Vice President or… No! The inhumanity! Michelle Obama?!
The Globe's army of credible researchers maintain that the President's social security number ends with a 042, which means it would have been issued to a Conneticutt resident in about 1979. Mr. Obama was then in Hawaii and Los Angeles.
No further witnesses, your honour.
Especially when the little-known "Susan Daniels, private investigator" adds that the President of the United States "was a foreign exchange student born outside the US and broke the law."
Barack Obama's alleged grand-mother "Sarah" is even quoted. She says she was at Obama's birth in Kenya and has the government-issue birth certificate to prove it. Further: "(Obama) is trying to hide where he really came from (and) he's trying to safeguard his secrets overseas."
"There is a massive cover-up of his past, fumes the … insider. "
Me too. I'm fuming mad! The continent does not need this right now. We still need to shine some light on the CIA spy next door, the FBI's 9/11 coverup and especially Rothwell.
But the Globe is so much more than just a courageous little American newspaper. It also has the weekly horoscope. As an attorney-Cancer (please, no jokes), for just the Globe's cover cost of $5.49, the publication's astrologists share these secrets with me as if they can see me naked: I can take advantage of "multi-dimensional energy (and) obstacles no longer block your path".
Maybe that means that the opposing and stone-walling lawyer in my trust law case will give me some trial dates?
Rare is the lawyer who has the time to weave through the pages of this deep American prose, with Starbucks 2/3 decaf, 1/3 real caressing his palate.
With sadness, I approach the back cover as my eyes swim over rich and delicious ads for an Elvis 75 Anniversary Tribute necklace for only $12.95 plus $2.95 for shipping.
And get this: guaranteed delivery!
That necklace would look good over the black gown, and under the black jowl scowl of Madam Justice …. I'd better not use her name.
On page 45, the Globe's editors show their newsworthiness meddle, picking as a story that Tom Brady's voluptuous wife, Gisele Bundchen suggests "a worldwide law that mothers breast-feed their babies for six months".
Sure, but what six months? You can't leave the legislative drafters hanging, sweetheart!
On page 46 is the attorney's favorite segment of the Globe, better even (and cheaper) than the Sunday edition of the New York Times: the Sheela Wood Friendship Club. The Club advises of a 38-year old "beautiful, sexy (and) feisty correctional institute inmate looking for prince charming who likes to have fun". No mention of a retainer or whether I need life insurance. But she's KY. 013-608 and it only costs $6 to make an inquiry. Or you can choose 3 "beautiful, feisty" felons for only $14. My ad would read:
"BC. 016-116. 51. French-Canadian. Lawyer and hockey goalie. Short-haired for now. 5'10" and blue eyes. Been to the Supreme Court of Canada and won. Writes website and has law practise. Not financially secure (yet). Cheap legal advice in exchange for maximum security prison criminal law retainers, preferably hi-profile, rich commercial felons like His Lordship, the Honourable Conrad Black."
I ask my wife if she's ever been incarcerated. She finally comes clean and says "no".
There's just so much information for lawyers that by the end of the 62-page Globe, even the Obama revelations seem so yesterday.
And like other classics of pop literature such as Mark Twain, John Steinbeck or Ernest Hemingway, the Globe saves the best for the end. All respectable attorneys have, sooner or later, turned to a psychic to assist in collection of their legal bill.
But the Globe lists FREE psychics! You'll say "Oh my god" (when you get the 1-900 phone bill).
One of the ads seems like the best since they are "extremely accurate" and another is registered with the American Association of Professional Psychics".
One says the psychic can "overpower witchcraft!"
I wonder if, this side of Mexico, psychic reading are admissible in Court? I'll have to text an authority on evidence such as Marcia Clark or Judge Lance Ito.
On the last page of the Globe tablloyd is the crossword puzzle for those moments when you're sitting in Chambers waiting for your turn and the client, who you are billing, isn't looking.
Five letter word for garbage.
Starts with a "t" and ends with "sh"?