Roger writing the LAWmag
18
Dec 2011

Dramatic, Amazing, Revealing 2011 Year Old Ancient Legal Text Discovered

Recently, in the dusty, ruins and rocks of ancient Nazareth a team of archaeologists from the Xanadu State University, uncovered an almost intact 6-inch by 18-inch parchment which appears to be a law document of the Christ-era, a tattered cloth-like item with ancient Hebrew script (similar document shown below) but which has yet to undergo laboratory testing and carbon dating.

One of our editors met an archaeologist in a pub and as a result of that fortuitous meeting, and as a LawMag exclusive, we are able to reproduce the complete text as a legal history World Premier event.

CAUTION: please note that hyper-linking did not appear on the original ancient legal parchment and we have added an image or two. Otherwise, no liberties have been taken with the original, ancient legal text.

LLYUD DUHAMUD
Transient Wise Man-at-law
Bayt Lehm Public Market
The Ancient Informal State of Israel

Monday, December 25, 0000

Mr. and Mrs. Joseph and Mary Christ
c/o the Inn-Keeper

The Stable
The Bayt Lahm Inn
Bayt Lehm(aka Bethlehem)
Roman-occupied Israel

Dear Mr. and Mrs Christ:

Re: Legal Issues Surrounding the Events of Earlier This Morning

Thank you for attending my booth in the public square of Bayt Lehm (aka Bethlehem) and for retaining this solicitor and attorney to review the events of this morning as they are alleged by you to have occurred in or around the stable and manger of the Bayt Lehm Inn.

I appreciate that both of you, especially Mrs. Mary Christ, are both perplexed and distressed by those events which, for your records, I propose to briefly review in the form of the following proposed averments, followed by my legal advice to you in all the circumstances.

Background

According to Mosaic Law, our people, being the Jewish People of Israel, (hereinafter "the People" or "We, the People"), have anticipated the arrival of another political and religious leader, also known as a "Messiah".

In or about July, 0000, the two of you were residents of Nazareth, Israel, some 60 miles from Bayt Lehm (aka Bethlehem), and were dating with the intention of marriage.

misc ancient Hebrew parchmentAt this time, or July of 0000, an ethereal entity visited Mrs. Mary Christ, then Mr. Christ's fiancée, and identified itself as "Gabriel" and indicated that it acted as agent to a principal known as God, the latter described as a presiding or chief executive officer of the universe, an all-powerful entity presently directing the lives and fortune of the Jewish people and others, and of our land, and the purported source or father of the aforementioned Messiah.

According to this agent/entity "Gabriel", Mary would be immaculately impregnated (i.e. impregnation would occur without physical contact with the donor). Part of the allegation made at this time to Mrs. Christ by the entity known as Gabriel, included the further allegation that she would therefore have a son that she was to give him the name of "Jesus" and that he would become known as the "Son of the Most High".

At no material time prior to the observance of this event did Mr. Christ, or any other man have carnal knowledge of Ms. Mary Christ (as she then was). Indeed, Mrs Christ will swear that she has been chaste as of and since April 0000 and even up to the date of this legal opinion, she was and remains a virgin. 

Mary absorbed this information from the entity known as Gabriel and soon in fact observed the signs and symptoms of pregnancy such as including but not necessarily limited to, an increase in the size of her abdomen and movement inside her abdomen extraneous to her will.

Mr. Joseph Christ, then and still a carpenter in Nazareth, observed these physical changes upon his fiancée and proposed to discontinue the prospective celebration of marriage. Shortly thereafter, a further but unidentified ethereal entity appeared to Mr. Joseph Christ and advised him of the circumstances of his fiancée's pregnancy.

Shortly thereafter, the two of you were married.

On or about the middle of December, 0000, a public announcement was made in Nazareth that upon orders of the Roman Emperor, Caesar Augustus, all Jews were to travel to Bethlehem (aka Bayt Lehm) for the purposes of mandatory registration in a state census. Bayt Lehm is been well known to the Jewish people as being the place of origin of the now-deceased King David who on one occasion, according to Mosaic law, allegedly killed a Philistine giant by the name of the Goliath, armed only with a sling-shot.

Neither of you reasonably believed that, notwithstanding the advanced stage of Mary's pregnancy, it would be in your best interest to avoid registration given the anti-Semitic and racist nature of many of the policies, regulations and laws of the occupying Roman government.

On or about December 24, 0000, after travelling some 60 miles through desert, the two of you approached the village of Bayt Lehm, with Mary being in a very advanced stage of pregnancy and both of you believed that birth was imminent and together, the two of you sought shelter and health-care in the village.

That unbeknownst to you, three men on camels later identified as "wise men" and stated to be from the "East" and following a particular star observed in the nighttime sky, attended upon the governor of the government of Rome, a public figure, also Jewish, known as "Herod", and disclosed a prophecy of the imminent birth of yet another Jewish Messiah.

That further and still unbeknownst to you, Herod would take this allegation as gospel truth, and would order the implementation of war crimes, crimes against humanity, or genocide, that being infanticide of all Jewish males of the age of two or less.

That upon your arrival within the precincts of the desert village of Bayt Lehm, you approach a place of public accommodation known as the Bayt Lehm Inn and that upon communication with the manager of said Inn, and notwithstanding the protestations in regards to the health of Mary and of her as yet unborn baby, in particular regards to the health conditions and the high death rate of childbearing woman in Israel at this time, both of you were denied entry and accommodation in the Inn. The Inn manager advised that the house was full with other individuals attending Bayt Lehm for the purposes of registration in the census and that in his advised opinion, the two of you could be accommodated in the Inn stable and manger.

A stable is a separate premise of an Inn designed and used for the housing and feeding of farm animals such as sheep or camels.

That the two of you ingressed into the manger where the manger, a trough used for feeding animals, was quickly reserved for the purposes of the imminent childbirth.Mary and Joseph and attorney

Earlier today, therefore, Mary successfully delivered your first son whom you have named "Jesus", in the stable at the Bayt Lehm Inn.

Subsequent to the birth of your son, the aforementioned three wise men attended the stable and alleged that they had been following the particular star which according to visions received from them by other sundry Angels or some such similar ethereal entity(ies), and that the path lit by this star led directly to the Bayt Lehm Inn. These men presented to you gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.

In addition, these three wise men, at great personal risk, advised you of the communication they had received from Herod previously in regard to prospective war crimes and in particular in regards to the risk and peril now facing your newborn son.

Legal Advice

It is my learned view that you may have a legal action in Roman law against the innkeeper for exposing Mary to considerable health risks in obliging her to experience childbirth within the precincts of what was essentially a small barn.

However, there appears to be a more immediate issue, and that is the anticipated edict from Herod. If in fact he implements a policy of infanticide in regards to the infant sons of We, the People, I would have the opportunity of presenting an application before the local courts enjoining the government of Rome from implementing this prospective infanticide. There is precedent for what the Roman governor known as Herod proposes; to use the vernacular, "it has been done before".

However, based on my previous experience with Roman law generally, and our court system, presenting such an application comes with personal risk to the attorney especially as the government of Rome is presently experimenting with a law enforcement device known generally as crucifixion. My understanding from others is that the exercise known generally as crucifixion causes the subject considerable pain, backache and blackout and on every known occasion, whether accidentally or by design, results in the permanent unconsciousness of the subject.

We wish to state for the record that as an attorney, we put your interests first and we would not hesitate to recommend a course of action that might result in personal crucifixion if that were in your best interests but we believe that seeking injunctive relief would likely be a moot process.

And this is the crux of our immediate legal advice to you. On one such occasion, a mother of a young Jewish newborn boy put the newborn in a small craft made of floating material and because of this action, the child escaped the then-policy of infanticide. That child was Moses.

On the basis of his experience, as documented in Mosaic Law, my advice to you is to seek refugee status in Egypt until the whole infanticide episode has come and gone. Then, if indeed your son is the Messiah, he will be saved from certain death and may then have an opportunity of changing the world and bringing to it, a culture of goodness which might then, as has been prophesied, overwhelmed the spirit of evil which presently dominates the known world. On a personal basis, I highly doubt that he is the one or would be otherwise capable of igniting such a change in human nature but you are the client and as your attorney, it is my duty to present to you your options based on your expectations of fact.

For your convenience, I have attached my invoice in the amount of 5 shekels, for services rendered to-date which upon your attendance at my booth in the Bayt Lehm public market, preferably today or no later than tomorrow, I would appreciate your prompt payment.

Sincerely,

[Ancient signature of "Llyud Duhamud"]

  • Editor's note: we are very emotional about this publishing event. History advises that Joseph and Mary Christ did go to Egypt to shield their son from the wrath of King Herod and that upon their return, their son Jesus Christ went on to great glory - so great that contemporary dates are set by the year of his birth and that even today, in 2011, the fact of his Immaculate Conception is believed as gospel truth by many lawyers and judges as is the existence of the ethereal entity known as God, so revered that formerly, references to God or Jesus are typically capitalized.
  • We wish to thank the Department of Archaeology of the University of Xanadu and especially their archaeologist for her prolonged visit to the washroom at the local pub.

Posted in Law Fun
on
by

Attached Images

  • Dramatic, Amazing, Revealing 2011 Year Old Ancient Legal Text Discovered