Justice and Law Christmas .. err, Holiday Jokes (where are my constitutional manners?) are passive-aggressive of course. While they start of by inviting warm fuzzy feelings for lawyers, they often end up by leaving all but the lawyer with a smile on their faces.
Oh well. C'est la vie - payback when you're able to charge $1,500 an hour on someone else's misery. Ok, not all of us but the ivory tower ones.
Who Is he?
“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?”1
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas.
This isn’t for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation’s capitol.
There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.2
An atheist was quite incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local American Civil Liberties Union about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holidays for them to celebrate. The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the downtrodden and assigned their sharpest attorney to the case.
The case was brought up before a learned judge who after listening to the passionate presentation by the ACLU representative, promptly banged his gavel and said,
The ACLU lawyer stood up and objected to the ruling and said,
“Your honor, how can you dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews, why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah … and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!”
The judge leaned back in his chair and simply said,
“Obviously your client is too confused to know about or for that matter even celebrate the atheists holiday!”
The ACLU lawyer pompously said,
“We are aware of no such holiday for atheists … just when might that be?”
The judge said,
“Well it comes every year at the same time … April 1st!”
Psalm 14:1 - The fool hath said in his heart, "There is no God."
A burglar breaks into the home of a prominent local lawyer.
He takes the lawyer's Christmas gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the wife and children alone.
As he is leaving the house, he is apprehended by a policeman.
He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman that he can't be arrested.
The policeman asks why, and he responds,
"Because the law states that I'm entitled to the presents of an attorney."
'Twas the Night Before Christmas (Attorney's Version)
WHEREAS on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival, throughout a certain dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat; and
WHEREAS the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive; and
WHEREAS said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit; and
WHEREAS the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and
WHEREAS a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to
WHEREAS he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrupeds of a species found in arctic regions; and
WHEREAS a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by
their appellations, as follows:
"Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donder, and Blitzen";
and WHEREAS subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings.
Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i.e.!
Lawyer's Holiday Greeting Card
From me (hereinafter called the "Wishor") to you (hereinafter called the "Wishee"), please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral, celebration of summer solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious or secular persuasions or traditions of others,or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all, and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calender year 2013, but with due respect for the calenders of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the Wishee.
By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that this Greeting:
- Is subject to further clarification or withdrawal;
- Is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the Wishor are acknowledged;
- Implies no promise by the Wishor to actually implement any of the wishes;
- May not be enforcable in certain jurisdictions or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the Wishor;
- Is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting whichever comes first.
- The Wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the Wishor;
- Any reference in this greeting to a or the Lord, a Father Christmas, Our or My or Your Saviour of the Saviiour of others, or any other festive figures, whether actual or ficticious, dead or alive, or everlasting or omnipresent, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referred third party names and images except that of God and his Son, are hereby acknowledged.
- NOTE 1: Attributed to Jon Stewart and Tom Armstrong.
- NOTE 2: Jay Leno