The expression "whole darn wide world" and the acronym "WDWW" are
trade-marks and are not to be reproduced in any form whatsoever including but
not limited to the internal cranial expression thereof.
Once again, to the funny Pennsylvania lawyer who filed a $13-million US class
action suit against us in the Court of Common Pleas, we offer our sincere and
public apology. We deeply regret any negative insinuation these jokes could
cause against both you, individually, and to the honorable esquires, the members
of your distinguished profession. If these words do not suffice to sufficiently
prostrate ourselves, then we'd like a moment, alone, with the judge and then, if
need still be, another moment, alone, with you.
From centuries past, when barristers and solicitors did not mix:
Once, in Dublin, a solicitor came up to a barrister to beg a subscription
towards the funeral expenses of a brother solicitor who had died in distressed
circumstances.
The barrister at once tendered a pound note.
"Oh, I only want a shulling from each contributor" said the solicitor.
"Take it, my dear fellow," replied the barrister. "And while you're at it,
bury twenty of them!"
The following joke is with apology to all the wonderful lawyers who do give
selflessly to public service but with no apology to those who overbill to
upgrade their BMW.
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from
the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his
donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over
a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to
give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that
my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far
beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the
lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and
three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no
idea."
The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I
give any to you?"
Now just one minute here! We wish to apologize for the above-mentioned
"joke." Duhaime Law in no way wishes to associate itself with the generalization
offered in the above fictional characterization.
Lawyer jokes? You want
lawyer jokes? But in so doing, you are encouraging disrespect for the profession
of law and contribute to the negative image of lawyers promoted by lawyer jokes.
Well, quite frankly, for anyone who's ever seen some of the attorney ads running
in the State of Florida, these jokes might not seem as outrageous as they
appear!
And don't miss our Dumbest
Things Ever Said In A Court list!
A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large, they have to
do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains.
There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular
scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of
$800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer
brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many
lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two
questions for me?"
"Absolutely! What's the second question?"
A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion
concerning which of their professions is actually the
oldest profession.
The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam
to create Eve and you can't go back further than that."
The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he
created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than
THAT!"
The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think
created the CHAOS??!!"
{Editor's note: with apologies to all US law enforcement officers with
thin skins!}:
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the
CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest
and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing
everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit
had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The
bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
The things that lawyers know about,
Are property and land.
But why the
leaves are on the trees;
And why the waves disturb the seas;
Why honey is
the food of bees;
Why horses have such tender knees;
Why winters come when
rivers freeze;
Why faith is more than what one sees;
And hope survives the
worst disease;
And charity is more than these,
They do not
understand.
H. Pepler, The Devil's Dream
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him.
He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000
cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die
so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in
the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and
confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed
$10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said
the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine
at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both
of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that
coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
"It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their
own pockets."
As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?"
The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't
want you to think the operation was a failure."
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first
lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and
started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy!
You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.
There was a young law student named Rex,
who had very small organs of
sex.
When charged with exposure,
he said with composure:
"
de minimis non curat lex."
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing
that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him
a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the
lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked
a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand
dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this
case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the
question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the
junior partner slaps his forehead.
"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."
His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."
An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse was struck by a car
at an intersection. Smith sued the driver. In court, he was cross-examined by
the driver's lawyer:
Lawyer: "Mr. Smith, you've told us all about your injuries. But
according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the
scene that you were not injured at all?"
Smith: Well, let me explain. When the officer arrived at the scene, he
first looked at my horse. He said 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he
took out his gun and shot the horse. He then came up to me and asked me how I
was doing. I of course immediately said "I'm fine!"
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off
of you when you die.
What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
Retired.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to
change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
1: How many can you afford?
2: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association
convention? The caterer.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side
has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they
screw up everything forever.
Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state
to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the
case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the
attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed." The senior partner replied
in haste: "Appeal immediately."
©Lloyd Duhaime 1994-2007.
While asserting copyright for the general content
including design aspects, Lloyd Duhaime wishes to disassociate himself entirely
from those individuals who purposely wish to bring the profession into
disrespect by the publication of "lawyer jokes."
We have, and will continue to
use all legal powers at our disposal to collect information leading to the
arrest of those indivuduals, be they corporate, personal, electronic, in therapy
or in deep personal crisis, responsible for hacking the duhaime.org web site and
introducing these "lawyer jokes." In making their web site available, we no way
wishes to condone or encourage association which may be drawn from the text of
the material and, in particular, those associations between lawyers, ticks,
sharks, prostitutes and cats. For more information on Citizens' Action Committee
For Ticks' Rights, please go away.
The following persons (lawyers, for the most part), for which names are
displayed in the smallest possible characters for obvious reasons, have
contributed to this pages: Alan Humbert (USA - the prime suspect), Rob Winter
(Australia), James H. Smith, Toby Wilkinson, a mysterious woman named "Elaine"
and the Nolo Press
Self-Help Center. All names may be fictional (I also grabbed one from Kurt Guntheroth at http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/88old/bulb.html).
Suspected compiler, of no fixed address for service: Esquire John
Doe unless, of course, you are with a national newspaper or
television network or any person of substantial societal weight in Victoria,
British Columbia in which case this is definitely the work of Lloyd Duhaime.